Well the kids are all out of school and on summer fun break. 1st thing we all did was go to Family Camp 2011 at Lake of the Woods. So much fun would be an understatement. The boys and Miss M. usually go with dad on Friday and stay until Sunday, but my mom and I go just for the day on Saturday. Although Miss M. did get to go to a great day camp for aspiring writers and artists on the week before family camp, this was the first family event we all went to.
Over the last several months I have been going through a sort of closure as well as a letting go of a certain person and time period of my past. I previously wrote that I went on a Sabbatical to find my "me-ness" you may or may not remember reading that post, at any rate during that time I also let go of a certain person and time period of my life. That person is my father.
Now let me just start by saying that he is not a horrible person and that I do love him, which I am sure leaves you wondering why in the world I would remove him from my life...let me try to explain it a little more. For some odd reason he never really learned or tried to be my "daddy" and all that word implies. He did provide well for me and my family growing up, and he did instill in me values, morals, ethics and discipline. These are all admirable characters to have and be given and I am grateful to him for that.
That being said, he never really showed me the nurturing part of love, I was never good enough and will never be good enough for him to change what he has been doing his whole life and do something to develop and continue a real relationship with me and his only grandchildren by blood. He was of the mind that children are to be seen and not heard so I am sure you can imagine what it was like growing up in a home like that, or maybe you know all to well what I felt like because you yourself grew up in a home much like my own. When you grow up with strict discipline and little to no nurturing you develop a skewed sense of self-esteem and your value as a person. As a result of this relationship in my life I have spent most of my teen and adult years trying to be "good enough" for everyone I came into contact with but especially for my father.
After my Sabbatical I DECIDED to let that relationship go. I decided that after 40 years of not being good enough I was going to take control of this part of my life. I was going to decide who I allowed in my life and who I did not allow or want in my life. Life is too short to be surrounded by toxic or negative relationships...I am called to love my father and I do, I am not called to continue in a relationship that brings me pain and negativity.
Let me just say that I am not writing this to get sympathy or advice from anyone who happens to stop by and read this post. This blog is about my life and is like an online diary of sorts, it is mainly cathartic for me. I am also not writing this to hurt or be mean to my father, it is for me a way to share my life with anyone who comes this way and also a way to speak my feelings, whether you like it or not, it is how I feel.
Above and beyond what I just wrote regarding my father...my life is wonderful. I am loving my life and intend to enjoy this summer to the fullest whether that means doing nothing but relaxing or that it means going and doing family camps, family reunions, taking road trips, reading, etc...I will enjoy every moment I receive like it is a gift...because it is...I am alive, and I am abundantly blessed by my ultimate Father, God. I don't have to be good enough and in fact I can never be good enough...He loves me just the way I am but not because of anything I do or have done or will do, but because of who He is. The point is I don't have to try to be good enough to win or deserve His love, He just loves me. I am His child and there is nothing I can do that will take away His love. Wow, that is such a blessing and the fact that I am so undeserving makes it even more so!
God bless all who may pass this way...May He bless you as abundantly as He has blessed me...May His face shine upon you all and give you joy overflowing.
I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. I believe in love even when I feel it not. I believe in God even when He is silent. *Written on a wall in a concentration camp*
© 2011 Shannon M. King. This publication is the exclusive property of Shannon M. King and is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international, federal, state and local laws. The contents of this post/story may not be reproduced as a whole or in part, by any means whatsoever, without consent of the author, Shannon M. King. All rights reserved.
1 comments:
Shannon, as one book says, "Let Go and Let God." All you can do is pray for you father - you've taken the steps for you and can be at peace with your decision.
Glad everything else is going so well!
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