Saturday, March 12, 2011

Finding My "me-ness" and Lent

I have been going through a sort of mid-life crises the past few years...and last weekend I had a melt-down with the family.  I have put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak, and it has come back to bite me in the proverbial butt.  

I moved straight out of my parents home and into that of my husband and then almost exactly a year later I became a mom.  So I know how to be a daughter, a wife and a mother, but I don't know how to be "me".  Somehow in the crowd of people, that I share my life with, I have lost myself, my "me-ness", I guess you could say.  So my wonderful husband has offered me a Sabbatical from my normal life of wife and mom.  It is almost Spring Break and my own beautiful mother is going out of town and she has graciously agreed to let me stay at her home, for which I am eternally grateful. 

I will spend this time trying to find out who I am, and what I want to be when I grow up.  I will do things like, make lists of things I don't want to do and lists of things I do want to do, and then I will start to live the life I want to live, instead of living the life I have felt obligated to live.  Don't get me wrong, I love my life with my guy and our children and have no intention of going anywhere.  It's just that I have poured myself into these roles for 18 years and now I am lost, I can't find myself at all.  I am on a journey to change what my life looks like, to find out who I am besides someones daughter, someones wife, and 4 someones mama. 

I have already started to do somethings that are new and exciting...for example, I love to meditate (no, I don't chant or pray to Buddha), and I have started to keep a journal of my thoughts and feelings, as well as some prayers.


I have always wanted to celebrate Lent, so this year I am doing it.   Lent is all about prayer, penance, sacrifice and good works in preparation of the celebration for Easter. It is not only a Catholic tradition it also has roots in the Protestant religions.  So this year for lent I will be giving up coffee (hello, can anyone say my name is____ and I am addicted?), also on Mondays and Wednesdays I will not watch television until after 5pm.  I have also decided to pray 2x a day and try to attend stations of the cross on Friday evenings with a friend.  It doesn't really matter what a person gives up, but it should be something that will be difficult to go without.  

So these are some things I have already implemented into my "new" life and so far things are changing, little by little.  I find after meditating I am less stressed and writing in my journal helps me to get the thoughts and feeling out of my head and onto paper.  I am hoping that these 9-10 days my husband is giving me, will be a great start to a new perspective on life.

I am lucky to have a husband who is willing to send me away for a "Sabbatical" to try to figure things out...a lot of women are not so fortunate.  He (hubby) says if I don't do this he is afraid he will have to put me in the, because I am going crazy just ignoring the situation. He knows I love him, yet he also knows that he cannot fill this void in my life, no one person or group of people can...this is only something I can figure out and do.  For 18 years being a wife and mother has been more than enough for me, but now the kids (especially the teenage boys) don't need me so much and I find myself walking around waiting for someone to tell me what to do, and there is much anxiety in that "lost-ness".  

When I am able I will share my journey with you.  Be blessed today and beyond.

I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. I believe in love even when I feel it not. I believe in God even when He is silent. *Written on a wall in a concentration camp*

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