So I just thought I'd share with you what I have been struggling with these last few months...sit back, grab a cup of hot chocolate and relax while I tell a tale of....well you can decide for yourselves what kind of a tale it is when your finished reading.
Several months ago, nine to be exact, I found out I was in complete remission from Thyroid Cancer, and to say I was elated would not quite hit the mark. I was feeling on top of the world, I had energy galore and was back to "normal", whatever that is...for the next few months I was on fire with high emotions, energy to boot, and a peace I had not felt for quite some time. As most of you know I am a woman who loves the Lord, Jesus Christ...my personal Savior, and if you have read most anything I have posted, you will know that most of it has something uplifting or spiritual about it...that is just my way... until recently that is.
I am finding myself struggling with my spiritual life, not really my faith, but a kind of deep...even now I can't for the life of me think of what to call it. I know in my heart that God has a plan and that it is perfect, but I can't really feel His presence...and I know that part of the problem is that I have been absent from my reading of the Word, absent from church, and just...lost.
Some things have been happening here at home with my oldest teen (nothing earth shattering) that I can't help but be shattered from...and can't help feeling like I could have done more...and that I am losing a closeness in the relationship that I have always cherished, and may never get back. That is part of why I am lost, I can admit that, but I don't know how to fight this. It just feels like all the work my husband and I did as parents didn't do any good, that it all was for nothing. I know that is not reality, but it is how I feel. As a mom I feel like it is my fault, and even now after all has been said and done, I am left wondering what in the world has happened to my world, and will it ever be right side up again?
Well meaning friends have told me that I did everything right, and that us parents cannot make the decisions for our children, that there comes a point in our teens lives where we have to give them over to God...I know all this, yet the pain is still here, it is real, and I don't know how to accept this new (less that satisfying) relationship I have had no choice but to accept with my surly, withdrawn, teen, who now has to live with the consequences of the choice they made. I am just lost, and can't seem to find my way out right now.
God's plan is perfect...I know this and hold on to that precious promise. His love is infinitely high and wide, He has enough healing for my hearts pain, and even though I am weak, I will lean on Him for strength and comfort, and I know that He will bring me through this trial, for my God is good All the time.
May God's face shine upon you today and beyond, and may He give you joy so abundantly you have to give it away. Blessings, and have a wonderful Thanksgiving season.
I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. I believe in love even when I feel it not. I believe in God even when He is silent. *Written on a wall in a concentration camp*