Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Struggling, but still hanging in there

So I just thought I'd share with you what I have been struggling with these last few months...sit back, grab a cup of hot chocolate and relax while I tell a tale of....well you can decide for yourselves what kind of a tale it is when your finished reading.

Several months ago, nine to be exact, I found out I was in complete remission from Thyroid Cancer, and to say I was elated would not quite hit the mark.  I was feeling on top of the world, I had energy galore and was back to "normal", whatever that is...for the next few months I was on fire with high emotions, energy to boot, and a peace I had not felt for quite some time. As most of you know I am a woman who loves the Lord, Jesus Christ...my personal Savior, and if you have read most anything I have posted, you will know that most of it has something uplifting or spiritual about it...that is just my way... until recently that is.  

I am finding myself struggling with my spiritual life, not really my faith, but a kind of deep...even now I can't for the life of me think of what to call it.  I know in my heart that God has a plan and that it is perfect, but I can't really feel His presence...and I know that part of the problem is that I have been absent from my reading of the Word, absent from church, and just...lost.  

Some things have been happening here at home with my oldest teen (nothing earth shattering) that I can't help but be shattered from...and can't help feeling like I could have done more...and that I am losing a closeness in the relationship that I have always cherished, and may never get back.  That is part of why I am lost, I can admit that, but I don't know how to fight this. It just feels like all the work my husband and I did as parents didn't do any good, that it all was for nothing.  I know that is not reality, but it is how I feel. As a mom I feel like it is my fault, and even now after all has been said and done, I am left wondering what in the world has happened to my world, and will it ever be right side up again?

Well meaning friends have told me that I did everything right, and that us parents cannot make the decisions for our children, that there comes a point in our teens lives where we have to give them over to God...I know all this, yet the pain is still here, it is real, and I don't know how to accept this new (less that satisfying) relationship I have had no choice but to accept with my surly, withdrawn, teen, who now has to live with the consequences of the choice they made. I am just lost, and can't seem to find my way out right now.

God's plan is perfect...I know this and hold on to that precious promise.  His love is infinitely high and wide, He has enough healing for my hearts pain, and even though I am weak, I will lean on Him for strength and comfort, and I know that He will bring me through this trial, for my God is good All the time.

May God's face shine upon you today and beyond, and may He give you joy so abundantly you have to give it away.  Blessings, and have a wonderful Thanksgiving season.

I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. I believe in love even when I feel it not. I believe in God even when He is silent. *Written on a wall in a concentration camp*

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Hi Shannon, I feel with you and for you. I don't have any cute words, but WE KNOW that God's word will outlast all our imperfections and will, in fact, perfect us. He is the Word and the Word dwells in us. We would not be human if we did everything perfect. Yes, we may "feel" separated from God, but we "know" that NOTHING CAN SEPARATE US FROM HIS LOVE.

On Monday I was thinking of a few times when I felt separated from God and ended up studying Genesis 38. It is a great story of vindication. God has a way of working things out. We don't have to feel bad about feeling bad. His love for us endures. He knows our heart and our motives.

In the midst of it all, continue to be more blessed because you are His child and you will never be separated from Him. Like Tamar, you are grafted into His bloodline.

This is what the Lord says: “A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping,Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted,because her children are no more.” This is what the Lord says: “Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears,for your work will be rewarded,” declares the Lord. “They will return from the land of the enemy. So there is hope for your future,” declares the Lord. “Your children will return to their own land. - Jeremiah 31:15-17

Wanda said...

Shannon, while I'm sorry to hear about the "lost" state you're in, I was glad to see a post from you in my reader. Your honesty is refreshing. Like bluebutterfly has said I'll not provide you with any Christianese. I know how frustrating that can be because I've been lost a few times in my walk with Him. One thing is certain that He's waiting for us to return to Him. Just as you've expressed your feelings and concerns here also take them before the Father. Blessings to you.

Lorena G. Sims said...

Great attitude Shannon! Just hanging on there and know that God has a plan, a perfect plan for you. God bless you.

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Ellen aka Ella said...

You and yours are in my thoughts n' prayers~

mpmi said...

Hi Sharon. I am happy I stopped by as I missed your site. They say we reflect our earthly feelings with our feeling with God. That the less intimate or closeness you feel with your daughter may attribute to your feelings of not feeling close to God.

I think your friends are right. You and your husband have done a great job with your daughter, I am sure. You give them the keys, pearls and jewels of life with prayer in order to figure things out and put into practice what you have given them. They must now fly on their own in some cases. I will be praying for you and your family.

Leslie Limon said...

Hi Shannon! It's been awhile since I last visited your blog. This morning while I was drinking my morning cup of coffee, you came to mind, so I stopped by to see how you are doing. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers. (((HUGS!)))

Heather said...

Hi Shannon
I've never met u before and am not even sure how I did! But I blogfroged Jesus and I ended up here.
I've struggled with my thyroid too, though hyper then after radioactive treatment I'm on Thyroxin to stay 'normal'!
I also have a serious arthritic condition which I'm taking oral chemo for. I'm v blessed in England as all my meds and treatment is free.
My daughter is21 we came to the UK when she was13 for my 2nd marriage and although born in Australia she'd visited here , I wad returning after17yrs. We struggled to find God. I hung in and she's walked away.
I hope and pray that the seeds which were planted and sewn will sprout new buds and grow and flourish some day. Gods Word sewn in her will not return to Him void.
I'm not determined nor contained by diagnosis I won't own them although I unwittingly concede at times to the symptoms.
Work, home, family, church,friends all pull at us and I've just begun a baby blog though at a standstill I itch to get thoughts hopes prayers and feelings on it.
Anyway, I wanted to say. I've had a nose around yours and I'm blessed by your honesty, your thoughts and I wish you health and prosperity in your walk with Jesus. Merry Christmas 

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